American Lament

There’s been a sudden rash of young Hollywood starlets who have garnered a lot of attention for substance abuse, misbehaving in public, and a myriad of embarrassing activities. For those of us who are older and don’t subscribe to FHM, it may be helpful to remind ourselves exactly how to differentiate these women when they’re clothed.

And as an aside, it is certainly true that men have had their share of behaving badly. The difference, of course, is that no one actually cares. For this fact alone, Tom Sizemore should get down on his knees every night and pray as hard as he possible can.

Britney Spears
Known For: Transforming herself from innocent jailbait to cosmetically enhanced pop singer
Charges: Not wearing undergarments, maintaining the world’s partnership parity index by marrying a talentless douchbag, perpetuating the redneck stereotype in every manner possible except for the fact that she isn’t hooked on OxyContin. That we know of.
Sentence: For years, Spears was caught intermittently misbehaving, but usually in a child-rearing manner and not a substance abuse manner. After her divorce from K-Fed, however, she fell off the wagon she was never really on in the first place. After one particularly interesting trip and/or bender, she shaved her head, got a wrist tattoo, and who the hell knows what else, prompting a face-saving trip to the rehab center.
What’s Next: While still in rehab, she occasionally performs 15-minute shows, the length of which seems oddly appropriate.
Probable Quote: “Shavin’ my head like Kojak, vomiting up PCP at the MTV Awards, Stepping out of limousines wearin’ nuthin’ but done whut nature gave me…honey, that’s just country.”
Expectations of Future Success: Absent a Mouseketeer reunion, it’s a one-way ticket to Branson, MO for the next forty years.

Paris Hilton
Known For: Being conceived, standing awkwardly, looking relatively good in night vision
Charges: Driving while drunk, corrupting the previously innocent Nicole Ritchie, animal endangerment, existing
Sentence: Actually, this one’s for real. Paris was sentenced to 45 days in jail for signing off a notarized document saying she wouldn’t drive, then she drove, and now she’s going to jail. It will probably only be for 23 days if she’s good. And if she’s bad, a $10 million dollar book deal.
What’s Next: Simple Life 6: Jail and Rehab.
Probable Quote: “I would like to thank everyone for their support during this trying time, especially my friend Nicole, who I hate with a passion unparalleled, and my mother, whose empty soul and ice-covered parenting style properly prepared me for this. [Vomits up an Altoid.]”
Expectations of Future Success: One of these days, one of her boobs is gonna drop, and she’ll be shilling suitcases on the HSN.

Paula Abdul
Known For: Judging other merely adequate singers on their talents, having a string of merely adequate hits for a four-month period back in the late 80’s, sleeping with contestants who have met the stringent requirement of showing up at auditions
Charges: Showing up at interviews sounding about as coherent as an older washed-up sexually frustrated former pop singer can sound. She recently “tripped over her cat,” which seems like a euphemism for something much, much more humorously worse. We’re guessing she fell off a cat scratcher at the Beverly Hills Wal-Mart that she mistook for a stripper pole. But that’s just a guess.
Sentence: She still maintains good relations with her employers at Fox, so her job is for the time secure…but small deviations from her sobriety are likely to spark an avalanche of unfortunate press.
What’s Next: Abdul is teetering on the edge of sobriety as it is. Unless her handlers can control her, she’ll be spending some quality time at Betty Ford with her sponsor MC Skat Kat.
Probable Quote: “I’m going to make this bottle of percocet and fifth of whisky my own!”
Expectations of Future Success: Unless she’s careful, she’ll be out of a job when American Idol goes off the air in 2038.

Lindsay Lohan
Known For: Modeling, singing, being a teenage drama queen, crashing vehicles besides Herbie.
Charges: Drunken driving, snorting cocaine in the bathroom of an exclusive club, having a batshit crazy father, Just My Luck
Sentence: Lohan recently entered rehab after somehow managing to wreck her vehicle into nothing in particular.
What’s Next: Her tenuous stay at rehab will determine what happens next. That, and how often she violates probation by ingesting eighteen pounds of pure Columbian hash before she drives to the Walgreens to get three dozen cases of Robitussin.
Probable Quote: “I have to be careful sometimes. I don’t want to be known as the first young Hollywood actress fall to the temptations of this glamorous lifestyle.”
Expectations of Future Success: It’s a crapshoot depending on her penchant for sobriety: either a lifetime of romantic comedies and the eventual Oscar-winning period drama, or fourth lead in Scary Movie 7.

Mischa Barton
Known For: The OC. Bit part in the Sixth Sense. Not much else.
Charges: Mixing pills and alcohol at a weekend barbeque. Allegedly.
Sentence: A one-night sentence at the hospital with a stomach pump and her publicist. Allegedly.
What’s Next: With the OC cancelled, she’ll have to fall back on her previous career as a model, where mixing pills and alcohol and spending nights with a stomach pump are called “weeknights.”
Probable Quote: “Coming up on Bravo, we’ll look at the celebrities who wore burgundy to the Golden Globes last year, but this year chose lime green! Please kill me.”
Expectations of Future Success: She’ll soon be a leading lady in a successful romantic comedy before too long, given her exceptional acting abilities. Allegedly.

Courtney Love
Known For: Collapsing onstage, copulating with pretty much anything including abstract forms of speech and the music of The Divinyls
Charges: ingesting massive amounts of raw cocaine, potty mouth, murdering her husband
Sentence: Court-ordered drug rehabilitation. She was placed under house arrest and has been granted several probationary periods, something she has gotten very adept at receiving.
What’s Next: She came back to the stage on June 1st, 2007, celebrating her rehabilitation and preparing for another show on June 1st, 2009, which will be the next time she will celebrate her rehabilitation, assuming good behavior.
Probable Quote: “I will have sex for cocaine now. Oh, sorry, ‘forgive me father for I have sinned.’ OK, I will have sex for cocaine now.”
Expectations of Future Success: Depends on the world Dramamine supply.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 3rd, 2007 at 5:59 pm and is filed under Activities With Small Amounts of Redeeming Value, Crazy Women, Entertainment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.