Kiss a Sasquatch Good Morning

For a time, at least, alarmingly significant portions of the North American population thought that they had found him. Bigfoot, the elusive creature of which folklore and major motion pictures starring John Lithgow are made, was captured. Captured, of course, in the way all Bigfoot sightings are—in the sense of “We may or may not have found an animal of indeterminate origin that we’re not going to show you any of the evidence for.”

This time, of course, they thought they had found him. “They,” of course, being the sort of people to call a press conference before the conclusive DNA results have actually come back yet, so sure of their find. The story was even picked up by the major news outlets, something I assumed was devoted solely to the items that Lindsay Lohan regards as acceptable things to enter into or exit out of her hoo-ha or the occasional report as to what Obama pooped out after eating a McGriddle. But there it was, amongst sordid tales of subprime reform and protests in Beijing: Some Fringe Nutjob Thinks He Might Have Found Bigfoot.

Well, not exactly. The report, no doubt currently wrapped in a manila envelope being mailed to the Pulitzer committee, featured a rather disturbing photo of what appeared to be a Bigfoot carcass. It wasn’t Bigfoot kicking up some mold spores in a big hairy cage tied up by leather straps in some dude’s basement, or Bigfoot eating Froot Loops while sitting on a tree stump trying to do the Jumble. It was a post-Sasquatch. He looked like he was crumpled up in an abandoned meat locker, a shameful burial and no doubt a nightmare to the olfactories. It basically looked liked a hollowed-out monkey suit had been dumped into a malfunctioning refrigerator with the door tore off.

Of course, there’s a pretty good chance that it was, in fact, a picture of a hollowed-out monkey suit that had been dumped into a malfunctioning refrigerator with the door tore off. The DNA evidence, once the results came back, identified it as human or opossum. Of course, the counter claim was that these were obviously part of the stomach contents of Bigfoot, a known opossum connoisseur, but one doubts exactly how much further they are going to go with this.

The story, of course, is otherwise light on details and full of rampant skepticism. The body of a 500-pound suspected Bigfoot was “stumbled upon” by two individuals while hiking, who, oh, by the way, just happen to immediately contact someone who have previously detailed Bigfoot discoveries in the past. That’s about as believable as the cat who lovingly purrs up against you after you find out that someone just took a dump in your bathtub while you were out.

Bigfoot sightings are exactly the sort of thing that happen with unfortunate regularity, but not rare enough that it still shows up on the Odd News column. They go way back to the late 1800’s, when those still searching for the frontier would often report sightings of strange animals to journalists hungry for a story that didn’t involve railroad combinations or inkwell trusts. Most of these were converted into sensationalistic mockeries of modern journalistic standards except, of course, for the Sasquatch Preservation Society newsletter and the New York Post.

Out of all of this, the most amusing aspect of this Bigfoot story is the fact that a reporter for the Scientific American, no doubt looking longingly back at his four-year college degree in journalism, had to actually type out the phrase indicating that the individuals who made the claim “made an announcement on a bigfoot enthusiast radio program.” A bigfoot enthusiast radio program, eh? Someone in Riyadh just put another note in their file.

I don’t quite get the allure of Bigfoot. I mean, there is a certain attraction to many creatures in the cryptzoology menagerie; the scaly, dragonesque dread of the Loch Ness Monster, perhaps, or the eerily terrifying hoop snake, or maybe the tauntingly alluring mermaid. But Bigfoot? He’s basically just an ape, only bigger. He doesn’t have any special powers and didn’t come into being via any generally accepted birth of legend, except perhaps the divine experience of ingesting peyote by our Native American ancestors. He basically lumbers around and waves off cameras like the Amish, leaving big, suspiciously asymmetrical footprints and a disappointing taste of locale.

It’s somewhat perplexing exactly why individuals make wild, easily disproven claims such as this Bigfoot find. On some level, no doubt, there’s a certain amount of self-delusion involved, the exact sort of thing that fuels the initiative of American Idol contestants, Division IV rugby enthusiasts, and House Republicans. But it certainly can’t be the entire thing. As with nearly all human endeavors, the chance that someone, at some point, is going to stop someone and say, “Hey. Maybe this is kind of a stupid idea.” It doesn’t always happen—witness New Coke, the Golden Compass, and the inexplicable success of John Mayer—but more often than not batshit craziness tends to be self-regulating. At least, that the sort of thing that lets me get to sleep at night.

3 Responses to Kiss a Sasquatch Good Morning

  1. David says:

    New bugs, birds and other small species continue to be discovered on a regular basis. During recent history, a number of large cryptids have surfaced– moving from folk lore to scientific journals– including the coelacanth, giant squid, megamouth shark, mountain gorilla, giant panda and komodo dragon. By whatever name you choose– Sasquatch, Bigfoot, catamount, wood booger, skunk ape– these creatures which were named and known to Native American peoples continue to be sighted in modern times. During the past 30 years, sightings of these elusive creatures have become relegated to tabloid newspapers and shock TV shows. Finding a body– be it dead or alive– should draw the attention of scientific research to study and understand these elusive primates which inhabit the woodlands and wetlands of North America.

  2. Tianca says:

    It is not their fault that humans don’t know much about them, they have been here a lot longer than us! Look in the written history of this planet, what we call Sasquatch/Bigfoot is in the records on every continent!! The Chinese have the oldest records on the planet that are intact, and they talk about them. Russia has their records, the Americas have theirs, Australia has theirs, Europe has theirs! They all have their own names for them, but they are the same people. So don’t assume there is no proof. It’s there, we just have to look at it.

    They want nothing to do with us because we are so violent, we are destroying the planet by wars, pollution, by strip mining, by cutting down forests, by killing the animals. I can’t blame them for that, its like we have a death wish or something.

    As for finding a body of a Sasquatch, talk to the government on that one. When Mt. St. Helens went off, about 30 Sasquatch died, and the bodies were found and hauled away to be put into storage. Park rangers and locals saw what was going on and were told to shut up or else. You know the old excuse, national security, anytime the government doesn’t want to deal with the truth. So they covered it up, as is their habit, and lied to the public.

    Now there is DNA from samples collected by various researchers, skin, blood and hair, as well as scat (poop), nests, broken branches, videos, photos, vocalizations, eyewitness reports from all over!!! There is no lack of proof, and if they put it all together, sooner or later they will have to see and face the facts. There is a proven history of these people all over the planet.

    Yes, people!!! The DNA says they are human!!! Not our version of human, but they are human.

    When our DNA matches theirs 99.99 percent, with only ONE nucleotide different, yes, they are human. It has been proven.

    It is going to take a while for people to accept that as fact, but it is true. Think about it, Sasquatch have been taking human females to Mate with for well over 12,000 years now. It’s in the historical records! They wouldn’t be able to do that and have kids if they weren’t compatably human, like us.

    It’s the truth. Get over it!!! We are not the only humans around!!! We are the new kids on the block, not them. They are the ancient race, we have lived only 300,000 years.


    Do your homework. If you think there is no proof, you are wrong!!!

  3. in the news says:

    Proves My Point…

    The disagreement was basically settled as soon as I came upon this article yesterday…

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