The Top Ten Single Greatest Moments of 2007

Here, in no particular order, are the top ten greatest events of 2007.

“We Have No, What You Call, Homosexuals Here.”
Tehran laments lack of popped collars, pastels in mosques

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the current leader of Iran, bravely stood alone in the single most hostile situation in which he could have been placed: a tie store. No, not really. He was at Columbia University. But seriously, I think the guy is afraid of ties or something. Or maybe he’s just a fan of open shirts, or just afraid of buttoning the top button. And they made fun of Ashcroft for fearing the dread calico cat. Anyway, he did stand bravely in front of a group of students on a visit to the United States and bravely declared that unlike the decadent states of Western civilization, Iran had managed to dodge the gay bullet, as it were, since there was not one single homosexual within the cultural borders of Persia. Which explains the poor syntax in the translation of Will & Grace on Al-Jazeera.

Mighty Casey At The Bat! And By “Bat” We Mean “On The Street Corner Buying Narcotics.”
Fans, Players, Management, Advertisers, Collectors, Sports Historians, Beer Vendors, Everyone’s Mother Just Shocked, Shocked! About Steroid Use In Baseball

The Mitchell Report was released not that long ago, fingering many major baseball figures as rampant steroid and HGH abusers. This comes as an absolute shock to those of us who haven’t noticed that Barry Bonds’s head is the size of a watermelon, which is no one. The end effect is that the baseball records are dotted with more asterisks than a TNT airing of Reservoir Dogs. Baseball’s rules specifically prohibit the use of performance-enhancing drugs, even though the most effective performance-enhancing drug is still legal, otherwise known as the luxury tax.

Thankfully, the Nobel Committee is a Controlling Legal Authority
Nobel Peace Prize Awarded To Former Vice-President For Inventing A Way For An Inconvenient Truth To Be Related Enough To Peace To Win The Nobel Peace Prize

Al Gore, whose eight years as vice president has been eclipsed by his tireless work as an advocate for global warming change and gaining about sixty pounds. He won the highly coveted Nobel Peace Prize, beating out Hugo Chavez, the reanimated corpse of Vladimir Lenin, and Clifford the Big Red Dog. But why is it when I create a PowerPoint presentation based on sketchily-attained research I did at two in the morning on the Wikipedia the night before the presentation I get a C, but Al Gore gets a Nobel Prize? That’s an injustice I hope the next Nobel Peace Prize is awarded for rectifying.

China Secures Lead In Toy Manufacturing
The Celestial Empire Is Apologetic, But C’Mon, How Often Do Kids Put Toys In Their Mouths?

Nearly every parent was alarmed to learn that of the sixty thousand toys they purchase for their child each year, probably about 100% of them come from China, and of those toys, approximately 100% of those contain massive amounts of lead. Popular characters such as Dora the Explora and Thomas the Tank Engine had to be recalled lest the lead seep into the children’s bodies and stunting their intellectual growth, consigning them to work at night shift at Denny’s or a scriptwriter on Lions for Lambs. China tried to ease the panic by promising that any lead-laced toys identified and found will instead be directed to children in Formosa and Japan.

Greatest Video Game Of All Time Released
Master Chief Heals Cancer, Destroys Evil, Does A Bunch Of Other Geeky Shit

The highly anticipated Halo 3 was release to wildly approving positive reviews and insanely large amounts of money. The release was met with long lines of devoted fans and endless laurels usually reserved for major motion pictures and papal visits. The Halo Series, for those who are uninitiated, involves an individual known as Master Chief who tries to save humankind from an alien race known as the Covenant by selling an overproduced Duke Nukem clone for $20 above MSRP. Or something like that. I was too busy playing Oregon Trail to really pay attention.

To Ignignokt Is Human
Lite Brites Based On Stoner Cartoon Threatens Democracy Or At Least Makes Us Late For the Celtics Game Tonight

Very few promotions have gone so terribly, terribly wrong ever since the Pepsi corporation crashed a Harrier jet into a puppy factory. The creators of the late-night completely insane cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force, about a band of food that does crazy things usually but not related to smoking massive amount of hash, decided that the best course of wisdom to promote their feature-length motion picture would be to place mysterious boxes with the figure of one of the characters flipping the bird on it in public places around different cities. This did well until Boston, a city so sober they threw away the tea not for political reasons but because of its stimulant content, mistook the ads for terrorist bombs and called in the SWAT team. End result: Ted Turner had to pony up about 2 mil in cash to the City of Boston, who will use the money not only for recompense for the scare but also to enlarge their population of pretentious, humorless pricks.

Fake Hockey Team Wins Fake Championship
Stanley Cup Now Anthropomorphized, Starring In Late Afternoon Cartoon

Hockey is a fascinating sport, not the least of which that real, true hockey should pretty much be played in Canada and possibly Detroit. But for whatever reasons the commissioners of the National Hockey League insist that such ridiculous places as Florida and Texas should have hockey teams, states with cities that couldn’t fill a stadium if they promised a free hockey puck with the Confederate flag on it, much less a playoff hockey game. Anyway, the relatively young Disney-created Anaheim Ducks of Anaheim won the championship, the first western hockey team to win since the Oregon Trail closed up shop. The Mouse has long since sold the team, and the Niedermeyers have brought the team to prominence, but the true staying power of the team will only be determined by yet another successful playoff run which will last approximately a year and a half.

Yes, We Have No Muhammeds
Unfortunately Named Teddy Bear Is Apparently A Big Deal To Those Sudanese No One Has Committed Genocide On Yet

The sad tale of Gillian Gibbons is one fraught with lurid tales of blasphemy, cultural intolerance, and a polyester bear stuffed with cotton. Gibbons, a British teacher in the Sudan, thought it would be a cute thing to name the class teddy bear, apparently a measure aimed at misdirecting the students from the fact that they had no microscopes or textbooks to name instead. The class chose the name “Muhammed,” which was also the name of pretty much every other boy in the room. Unfortunately, a school official found out about this crime against Islam and activists soon declared that she would be executed for insulting the state religion. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, “cooler heads” primarily being the British diplomats who risked intolerant imams with protestors armed with the help of the army had to escort her back to the homeland, where she will face no intolerance greater than disagreeing with the toll structure of local throughways or the existence of Germany.

I’d Tap That
Gay + Senator + Airport Bathroom + Bruno Maglis = Unspeakable Hilarity

It’s an absurd scene in and of itself—homosexual individuals engaging in an elaborately staged song-and-dance routine to solicit sexual favors in random washrooms around the nation, a product of generations of underground social cues and taboo cultural mores. Absurdity defined is when you enter into the mix a reasonably conservative Senator from the unfortunate state of Idaho, caught on tape agreeing to his charges while standing palms up in total denial of his sexual orientation. Senator Larry Craig is still in office, despite his insistence that he is still wanted and needed in that chamber, a feeling almost as strong as his insistence that he is straight or not a hypocrite.

Mortgage Housing Market Crisis Continues
People Who Cannot Afford Homes Upset That They Cannot Afford Their Homes

Equal parts sad and enraging, the emerging mortgage crisis has gone through several phases. The first phase is called “The market has already corrected for the mortgage crisis” phase. The second phase is called “It appears that the market has not absorbed all the information about the mortgage crisis.” The third phase is called “The market has already corrected for the mortgage crisis.” The fourth phase is predicated to be “It appears that the market has not absorbed all the information about the mortgage crisis.” After that, it’s anyone’s guess. Wonder upon wonders what the next phase will be. It’s sad that people are losing their homes, of course, and it’s sadder yet that the government is formulating a plan that is more complicated than the statement “Rates subject to change.” If homeowners can’t understand that statement, I can’t understand how the bailout is going to go any better.

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