RelationHints!: Dress for Sexcess!

If you’re trying to attract that special someone of the opposite sex, it’s highly important that you look the part—a sexy, smart outfit is one of the keys to making a good first impression to further your search of another like-minded individual. A shallow, soulless individual.

While there are plenty of other important factors concerning your appearance, such as hair, makeup, and not pulling up your shorts until you’re certain that urine has ceased to be produced and ejected from your body, today we’re specifically going to look at your attire and what it means for your romantic prospects. That, and make fun of metrosexuals.

Disclaimer: Please note that the below information is primarily for the two genders to impress each other. I am fully aware that there is a latent subculture of women who dress specifically to compare themselves to other women, a concept that is frightfully humorous to men who really could care less what they look like to other men, but don’t say anything to women since, hey, let’s face it, who’s really benefiting from all that competition?

What You Wear Says A Lot About You: Your appearance gives hidden, nonverbal cues to your potential mate. With only a glance, an individual can compute how much they are attracted to you, what kind of respect you have for yourself, and exactly how many drinks it’s going to take to get you to stare at the ceiling for about forty five seconds or so.

Men will want to put on an impressive effort to show that they don’t spend most evenings in navy blue boxers and the same Pearl Jam T-shirt they’ve been wearing since that totally awesome weekend back in ’97, which of course all men do. This usually requires removing most of the beer stains from their shirt and pick out jeans that don’t look like they’ve been left at Michael Vick’s basement overnight.

Thankfully for men, styles don’t change very often. Sure, sure, sure, clothing lines and fabrics will tend to change over time, and certain decades trot out outfits that were apparently conceived by blind second graders, but there’s a fairly limited range of actual designs. This makes things easier and, more importantly, cheaper.

Women, on the other hand, have to balance their appearance through a variety of styles. They want to look attractive while, at the same time, don’t want to look like a whorebag or, worse, wear something that went out of style six weeks ago. Usually this involves an intricate blend of modesty and sensuality, which can often be accomplished through a combination of tight denim, loose necklines, and about sixteen hundred ounces of eye shadow.

Super Secret Special Tip For Women: Don’t spend too much time on certain accessories. You could be wearing horseshoes as earrings and men would neither notice nor care.

What Color Is Your Power Suit? While texture and coordination are important, most people are going to notice the colors you are wearing first. Psychologists at a university I just made up have run laboratory tests to determine what people think when they see specific colors, and it may be helpful to know what kind of vibe you want to display:

Blue: You eat the same cereal every day, take the same route to work each day, and have no imagination whatsoever.
Green: You are Irish, or it is St. Patrick’s Day, or are colorblind.
Brown: You are a UPS driver.
Black: When you were sixteen you went to a Natalie Merchant concert and have never left.
White: You are unafraid or unconcerned about blemishes appearing on your outfit through eating, drinking, moving, or doing anything at all for any reason.
Teal: You have recently lost a bet.
Red: You are an advocate of the collectivization of the means of production.
Pink: You are either overcompensating for your lack of femininity, or feel like you must prove your testosterone level. In either case, get a hobby.
Magenta: You are a monitor for a Commodore 64.
Purple: You think it is 60 BC and you are a prince.
Burgundy: You have recently been shot by Harvey Keitel.
Mauve: You are performing penance.
Lilac: You wear your Christmas gifts instead of returning them.
Orange: You think you are either a traffic cone or 1979.
Yellow: You are twelve years old.
Formica: You cannot tell the difference between a hardware store and a clothiers’.
Maroon: Your hand-eye coordination becomes increasingly unreliable the more wine you drink.
Beige: You do not know how to properly separate your laundry.
Gray: You are either an actuary or my ex.

Men and Women Are Different! Both genders dress for different reasons. Females actually enjoy the act of coordinating accessories: jewelry, purses, shoes, hair color, bloody stilettos removed from each other’s backs, etc. In fact, entire magazines, retail stores, and basic cable stations are devoted to exclusively promoting a clothing-coordinated lifestyle, a highly humorous fact for those females who scoff at certain individual’s roughly equivalent devotions to, say, golf, or Nascar.

Men, on the other hand, dress for comfort. If they’re going to be impressing someone, they aren’t competing with each other. If that were the case, most men would simply draw up business cards with their annual salaries and hand them out at nightclubs. Which, really, should be the most important thing. Why spend all this effort on dressing up for the sole purpose of not being dressed up later?

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One Response to RelationHints!: Dress for Sexcess!

  1. Crystal says:

    45 seconds? Who are you kidding? 😛

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